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Birthday Wash [08 Nov 2008|11:58am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I sit here listening to the haunting Coldplay song "Reign of Love" I know another year of my life has come and gone.

I feel caught in an interesting paradox... the past 8 years of my life have been ruled by violent change, depression, and poor choices.

Most of this was precipitated by a 'fight or flight' response... a living by the seat of my pants, can I make it until my next paycheck, constant feeling of the need for self-preservation.

I would often disappear for days, cut off communication with friends and family, and lie so often about so much that I would start to lose my very grip on reality.

Over three years into my stable, well paying, and challenging job at Cody Systems now... I've got a almost new car that is nearly paid off, and for the first time in recent memory, haven't bounced a check or card purchase for some time.

My mind has been terribly preoccupied lately with thoughts to my future, what my goals should be, and a certain confusion. You see, I'd been living day-to-day for so long that I've forgotten how to actually look ahead to the future.

I've been trying to teach myself to be a better steward of my money - I've improved my credit score by a bunch, started a budget, and paid down all my debt.

Education... I'm a bright guy, with a penchant for all sorts of useless trivia (put me in the Cash Cab and I'd have Ben begging for mercy!) but I didn't do particularly well in school for a lot of reasons, and college was never an option. If the opportunity presented itself, I would like to at least try to get some certifications in Information Technology, but I've always been weak in Maths if it's needed...

Faith. I don't have much... at least not lately... I grew up in a pretty strong Christian family.. went to church all the way through middle school - even got a job playing the piano for a church at the age of 16 until I was maybe 20 or 21. I miss that...

Then of course, there's love... companionship... thoughts of marriage and of starting a family... I've done a lot of damage in seeking out some really stupid relationships... I had caused a few deep wounds, some betrayals of trust, and certain things I had taken for granted. I've been hurt too, by someone I trusted, loved, and cared about more than anyone else, ever. I still wonder what happened... even through all the other troubles I was experiencing in my life I always believed that things would just work out.

I get trapped inside my own mind too often... it takes a conscious effort at times just to leave my apartment - but when I get out, around family or friends, I always have a great time.

Why am I sharing all of this with you? It feels good just to get 'pen on page' so to speak. I want to share more of my life with all of you people that I can call Friend. I treasure all of you, and appreciate the birthday wishes you have sent my way.

Thank you for your love!

Reign of love / I can’t let go
To the sea I offer / This heavy load

Locusts will / Lift me up
I’m just a prisoner / In a reign of love

Locusts will / Let us stop
I wish I’d spoken / To the reign of love

Reign of love / By the church, we’re waiting
Reign of love / My knees go praying

How I wish / I’d spoken up
Or we’d be carried / In the reign of love.

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Christmas [23 Dec 2006|01:25pm]
For some reason, I always seem to get in a funk around Christmas time...

I've 'runied' a few Christmas's past for my family because of it... selfish, stupid stuff..

This is a season that requires faith to understand and truly enjoy the reasons for it's celebration, and that faith seems so foreign to me now...

I hope all of you have a meaningful and safe Christmas.
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Life [25 Nov 2006|05:26pm]
Been working hard, trying to live life that I should.

12 days, and my trip to Arizona.

God, I miss her.

I'm just so nervous of what the future could hold.

It's not often I really think about my life beyond the next few months.
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[18 Mar 2006|05:22pm]
[ mood | surprised ]

Yeah, anyone ever read this thing?
Sandra.. I tried to send you an email but it got bounced back.

If anyone out there still remotely cares about me, let me know

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A Word [21 Jun 2005|08:59pm]
At the end of the movie "Man On Fire" there is a beautiful, yet haunting song in Spanish entitled "Una Palabra"

A word says nothing
And at the same time it hides everything

Just as the wind that hides the water
Like the earth that hides the flowers

A look says nothing
And at the same time it says everything

Like the rain on your face
Or an old map; a treasure

A truth says nothing
And at the same time it hides everything

Like a bonfire that can’t be extinguished
Like a stone that is born of dust.

If one day I’m gone, I will be nothing
And at the same time I’ll be everything

Because in your eyes there are my wings
And the shore where I drown,

Because in your eyes are my wings
And the shore where I drown.
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Cheating Death [08 Apr 2005|12:41pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

I know I haven't updated this thing in forever, sorry.
I'll get some decent drame up here soon, until then, enjoy this little tidbit of my past.

I've had three near death experiences, two of them only a day apart.

I was maybe 14 or 15 and our family was vacationing at Ocean City, NJ.
I had been swimming all day long, for at least 6 or 7 hours, boogie boarding and such. AS the lifeguards were about to leave for the day, a VERY strong riptide started to darg me and 3 other kids out and over towards one of those dangerous storm drain pipes that stick out over few hundered yards or so. We were all very exhausted, and were quickly loosing control of even staying afloat. Luckily some older teens and the lifeguards had caught sight of us, and when we were only a minute or two from serious injury or death, I felt a strong hand grasp mine, and pull my into shore. The teen that had helped me was not a life guard, and I tried unsuccesfully to find him and thank him.

The very next day we went to an amusment park that had one of the "Matterhorn" rides, with the cars that go in a circle that seat 2 or 3 people.
My little sister who could not have been more than 5 or 6 at the time was sitting next to me.
As the ride spun up to speed the wooden seat underneath us gave way with first a crack, and then fell all the way through (there was no bracing under it. I quickly grabbed my sister and braced my feet on the footrest, and pushed my back against the headrest, watching the steel frame whir just a foot underneath us. I screamed and yelles frantically to get the attention of the ride operator or one of the crowd for about 3 minutes until they realized something was wrong.

My third near death experience happened in the summer of 2003. I was a volunteer firefighter for only about 3 months, and we were doing training excercises on a 5 story vacant warehouse.
We had laid ladders up the three roof levels to the top, come down in the bucket of our tower, and then we were bringing a hose line up too.
As I made my way up to the last 16 foot ladder there was no one coming up behind me yet to "foot" the base of the ladder so it would be more stable. The little roof I was on was hard tin, at a slight angle and no more than 10 feet wide, and maybe 20 feet long, with a 70 foot drop to the parking lot below on the one side.
The more experinced officer on the roof above told me to "go ahead and climb up, you'll be fine" so, not knowing any better I started to climb up, and when i was 90% of the way up, the ladder began to slide backwards like a sled on the roof, I lost my balance when it tipped, but stopped moving.
I found myself hanging for a split second by one gloved hand on the underside of a rung, but lost my grip and fell about 13 feet to the roof below.
They had to then mount a high angle rescure to get me off the roof.
I fractured the end of my tiba and had to have major surgury and a lot of rehab on both ankles, I couldn't move without a wheelchair for 3 months.

I suppose I was lucky though, had the ladder slipped with the slope of the roof instead of straight back, I would have easily fallen to my death.

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[18 Mar 2005|04:22pm]
How to make a liquidmetal82

3 parts intelligence

1 part arrogance

5 parts empathy
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little curiosity if desired!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com
thanks Jenna
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yeah yeah.. i know... [15 Mar 2005|12:33pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

I know I haven't uptaded much lately
Work has been just insane, manageing tons of details, while getting swamped with tons of reproduction requests (all of them RUSH! and detail heavy work of course).

The VA had a contractor installing electrical panels in a room where one of my copiers were, and they decided to be morons, and movie it by the stand for the scanner. Didn't work so hot. The busted 3 (and 1 more) connectors on the side. So i wasted a whole dy trying to find out who did it, manage Xerox's response, and coordinate with the people here at the VA. Once Barry (the higher-level tech) and I got the parts replaced, everything worked except network print. We finally found another connecter that had a pin bent that kept shorting out the video board.

They are finally replacing the copier in bulding 7 that has been the most problematic copier since I've been here, it busted, we fized what borke, and it busted differently. Barry and I fixed THAT, and then it started acting worse a different way AGAIN! lol... so Spence at the VA requested the machine be swapped out (yay!) so that will be hopefully an end to one of my more frequent headaches.

Well, back to work I go.

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this is fairly kick ass! [26 Feb 2005|05:17pm]
Your Homicidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn
Your name:
Weapon of Choice:Katana
Your Favorite Target:People named "Steve"
Your Kill Count:1,958,408,156
Your Battle Cry:"Beans."
Years You Spend in Jail:28
How Much Money In Damages You Cause:$210,304,973,219,607
Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 99%
Quiz created with MemeGen!
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fridays [25 Feb 2005|08:27pm]
[ mood | sore ]

Ahh... Friday... so nice to see the weekend again...

As I was reminded, I haven't updated for a while, apologies.

Was a hellish week at work. We had 2 new copiers come onsite, and I had to move 4 other copiers around.
After the move, 2 of them decided to stop working.
I had to then train all the users on each copier
I also had to coordinate the IT people and phone guys at the VA
Running back and forth over the 50 acre campus

I also am now completely backed up on my normal reproduction jobs, just in time for the end of the month, when I have to gather all my copy counts, and do my end of the month reports.

Plus my whiney users love to make me waste 45 minutes of my time 'fixing' their copier, when it was their fault in the first place. Or they forget how to bloody fax.

It is kinda annoying that I manage a fleet of 50 copiers, and run a production machine in my office that does at least 150,000 copies a month, I only get $11.00 an hour, get NO benfits, and no outside help.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my job, but when the shit hits the fan, everything backs up quickly and dramatically. Hopefully next week will be better.

Talked to one of my ex-gf's on the phone last night... made me realize some stuff about myself that I really need to work on and change, for the one I am with now. Hopefully I follow through.

Calling for more snow monday... maybe I'll get lucky and call out of work =/

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[14 Feb 2005|01:40am]
You scored as Musical/Rhythmic. You are sensitive to sounds in your environment, enjoy music and prefer listening to music when you study or read. You learn best through melody and music. People like you include singers, conductors, composers, and others who appreciate the various elements of music.
















The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences
created with QuizFarm.com
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its 1:30 am... [14 Feb 2005|01:24am]
[ mood | distressed ]

I can't sleep
I'm so restless.

I've been thinking alot about my life, the choices I've made, the direction I'm going...

I've already made one big decision, moving back with my mom, but.. well... there's so many things I need to change in my life, but I never seem to care enough to actually DO something about it.

I've been told I've been very quiet lately... somewhat distant, and I apologize...
I'm really taking an inventory of my life, no holds barred, no self denial.

Hopefully I'll emerge a better person after all.

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Yup [10 Feb 2005|02:03pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Haven't updated for a while, apologies.

For the past few days I have been really fighting off some kind of virus or something.
I have no actual symptoms, but stomach and chest pain.

On the other hand, I'll be heading up to new york to see sandy soon ^.^ yay!

Terror Alert Level
Nifty National Terror Alert System color code thingy

thats about it.

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I'm fairly weird! =) - I'm going to DIE! =( [04 Feb 2005|06:54pm]

What is your weird quotient? Click to find out!

I am going to die at 68. When are you? Click here to find out!
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Go EAGLES!!! [04 Feb 2005|06:39pm]
[ mood | tired ]

So, the eagles are in the superbowl baby! I'm going to head to my cousins for the game, where I have watched most of them.

I can't wait for 4:30 fridays, releasing me from my prison I call work, which has been... interesting of late.

On a good note, one of my co-workers had her little girl dropped off near the ned of the day, so I got to relax up in the main office playing with a slinky with her. Man I love kids.

Tomorrow I'm resolved to go to my brothers basketball game, becasue I promised him last week I would. It's frightening, he is taller than ME now (which isnt ALL that hard lol)

umm I guess that s about it, don't have much to talk about today.

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[01 Feb 2005|07:33pm]
I am worth $2,195,622.00 on HumanForSale.com
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To the contrary- [31 Jan 2005|02:49pm]
[ mood | working ]

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
You aren't *that* lucky ;-)

So umm.. last week was better than the week before, and I had a nice weekend at my moms, helping with making food, doing my laundry, helping my little sister with her reading homework, fun family stuff I forget sometimes how much I miss.

I made up my mind that I'm going to move back home, maybe as early as early spring.

You scored as Loner.


Drama nerd














Ghetto gangsta


What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com
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Friday [21 Jan 2005|07:14pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

God this week has sucked ass!

Between the weather making my trip into work 4 times as long, and the idiot users of my machines making me hope they haven't had children, I end this week totally stressed out and overwhelmed.

I still can't sleep worth crap at night

I still have very little patience for when my machines go down

I am really starting to hate winter.

On a positive note, go eagles.

On another negative note, its sucks being away from Sandy.

On yet another negative note, my neighbors suck.

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Snooooow! [19 Jan 2005|08:53pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Hey guys, Wednesday night here and it SNOWED!

Finally SE PA gets some decent snowage, about 2 1/2 inches near where I work.

It was nice looking out my window at work and seeing it come down, though not so nice driving home in it (took triple my normal time to get home).

I got a new cell a Nextel Motorola i710. It's sweet.

ugh, my tummy is unsettled tonight, dont know why.

More people should read my journal! lol riiiiight.

But at least leave a comment sometimes... =0

Later - Brian.

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Fry-day [14 Jan 2005|11:09am]
[ mood | sore ]

Yesterday was fairly normal, had a nice evening, and a weird night.

I KILLLED myself playing volleyball Wednesday night for the first time in a year and a half.

Almost 3 hours of vollyeyball, and not the wussie kind either. I was sooo sore yesterday, and my stomach back, and shoulders are still stiff and painful today. It was the first time I really worked hard on my ankle since I broke it in 2003 in a firefighter training accident, and I was suprised to find that it did really well that night, but I certainly paid for it later =p

I had to finish ripping the remainder of my grandfathers CD's to mp3 discs for his trip to florida, he'll be amazed i think that 20+ Audio CD's fit on just 2 CD-R's.
While I finished watching The Lord Of The Rings - The Return of the King Special Extended Edition, I would pause it and put the next cd in every so often.

I liked most of the additions and changes in the extended version- the movie is darn close to 4 hours long now!

I haven't been sleeping well for quite some time now... last night was no exception. And then, when I *did* finally falls asleep, a huge rain/windstorm swept through the area, making my apartment shake harder than I have EVER felt it shake in 3 years... lots of rain, flooding.

Here at work, many offices and storerooms have major leaking from the walls and roofs, and my supply closets heat was at 94* hopefully they have it fixed.

Im going the Conshohocken Bocchi Club tonight with my mom and family to see my grandfather, who does all the fryer cooking there on friday nights, and give him his CDS. If you can fry it- that man can make it GOOD! Curly fries, crab cakes, mozzerella sticks, you name it. I especially love their dipping sauce, which is keptchup with a little bit of horseradish mixed in- GOOD!

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